John the Gollum, Lord Porkpie and the ignorance of stupid Gobbits

My tweet today after hearing about the union-busting actions of ill-informed Kiwi actors protesting against a pay rise for working on Lord Porkpie Jackoff’s blub-buster re-hash of a boring old story by some dead white male English fart: The Gobbit

Aussie-bashing, union-bashing stupid hobbit scab gits, Eff-off back to Hobiton and live on scraps from Sir Peter’s well-lardered table.

Seriously, I can’t just let this stuff go by without comment. I need to get this off my chest. Let me tell a little story…

When a National Party prime minister gets to gloat and duck and weave and obfuscate behind some subtly-racist union bashing and stupid, ill-educated Gobbits start messing their boots on the streets of Booton in favour of a pay cut for themselves and fellow Gobbits, you know it’s time to blink, scratch your arse, shake your head and go for a slash.

[It’s the Aussie way, harden up Hobiton]

The only way, it seems, to make a scab-happy Gobbit see sense is to beat it into them. In fact if you go back to the legend that ‘inspires’ the story of the Gobbits, we could argue that the Gobbit-scabs have been magically turned into Trolls and Goblins by the evil Lord Porkpie who only has eyes for his “precious”.

Trolls –  Short-tempered and dull-witted creatures who will eat just about anything [SparkNotes]

That is to say, in terms of the legend of Booton, Troll-like Gobbit-scabs will swallow anything including the lies told by Lord Porkpie and his treacherous sidekick and political operator John the Gollum. We can get a clue to the Gollum’s character from this secret report from the Booton spy agency

Gollum is a self-centred and egoistic creature. This is proved not only by the above-mentioned facts but also by his betrayal of Pita and Tariana. Gollum swore on “his precious” and broke his oath. [Gollum]

You see, the good elves and their representatives Elves’ Equity have been portrayed as the baddies in this mythical feature. When the East elves and the West elves got together to discuss common issues to do with their well-being, the legend was re-written as one of interfering elves from the West Island trying to steal the “precious” for themselves.

That this lie is constantly repeated despite the woman fronting the pro-union campaign is the famous, staunch and easy-on-the-eye Eastern elf Robyn Malcolm buggers beggars belief .

It’s easier to blame someone who’s not here and to repeat the lies spread by Sir Porkpie and his enablers. The facts are getting lost in the mists of time and the fog of mischeif.

Lord Porkpie, John the Gollum and their various Wargish minions have used numerous magic rings to make false statements that were repeated and broadcast in the media without being checked by the gullible Dwarves of Medialand who are variously described in the fantasy of the Gobbitt as prone to greed and trickery, but “decent enough people, if you don’t expect too much”.

Take this recent example from the Dwarf newspaper, the Elvish Herald:

“I think we have a strong position, but the industrial action from the unions … has substantially undermined the confidence that Warner Brothers has in New Zealand,” John the Gollum told Radio Elvish.

Further on, the gullibility of the Dwarves is evident in this observation:

Sir Peter said the union’s actions had undermined Warner Bros’ confidence in the industry and “they are now, quite rightly, very concerned about the security of their US$500 million ($669.32m) investment.

Here the claim by Lord Porkpie, deferentially referred to as ‘Sir Peter’ by the Herald‘s dwarves, is repeated without any fact-checking. The same line is being used on Elvish radio and in other Medialand outlets to besmirch the collective good name of the union-minded elves and to imply that they’re not really elves at all, but brutish Wargs who will steal all the milk an honey in Booton if they are not kept under lock and key; or even better transported to the West Island where their abhorent unionist and socialist ideas come from.

But it is easy to disprove Sir Porkpie’s words and to show that they are full of deceit. His greed and gluttony are evidence of  his convenient alliance with ideologically-twisted Wargs. This is the problem. The Wargs don’t give a monkey’s nut about the story of  The Gobbit, they just want all of the working elves in Booton to be vulnerable, disoriented, frightened and most definitely not in a union — not even student elves!

The Gobbit dispute is also framed by the rally of thousands of working elves in South Auckland that dwarfed the scab Gobbits of Booton, but didn’t get anywhere near the same attention from the repeater dwarves.

to actually find the truth in the Gobbit story, one only has to read the thoughtful and independent voice of sanity that is Gordon Campbell over on the non-Dwarf Scoop.

The two main issues that will decide Warners’ decision about where to shoot The Hobbit are both inching towards a resolution. Neither involve the actors’ union dispute which has always been a sideshow – mainly because the cost of reaching a compromise deal on wages and conditions would be chump change for Hollywood. The two factors that matter are (a) the production incentives available in New Zealand compared to elsewhere in the world.

This is what [evil troll Gobbit squeaksmouth for Sir Porkpie] Philippa Boyens means when she says Warners are‘ “running the numbers” on the five or six locations now in the running for the location shoot and (b) the late intrusion of the 74 year old corporate raider Carl Icahn into the sale of debt-burdened MGM, which owns a major stake in The Hobbit project.

Ah sanity prevails. We don’t need any 3D sequels, prequels or FX-heavy re-animation to see where this is going.

John the Gollum wants to campaign for re-election as mayor of Booton on the basis of law and order, tax cuts for Lord Porkpie and his friends, a boot up the jaxsie for uppity elves and more money in the pockets of friendly foreign corporations that are absolutely not owned by those funny and curious people from east of Eden.

Sir Porkpie is a benighted master of the universe and world-famous in Booton. He’s also a greedy evil sorcerer and creator of the magic ring who, true to form, never actually appears corporeal, only through secret emissions that emanate from his lair late at night.

Lord Porkpie is in league with the elf-hating Gollum and they want to destroy the power of the elves to resist oppression and exploitation.


All power to the elves.

2 Responses to John the Gollum, Lord Porkpie and the ignorance of stupid Gobbits

  1. […] is the new poison dwarf in the Gobbit story. If this is an example of what the PD actually cares about then he is, indeed, a shallow little […]

  2. […] my absolute favourite is the Quisling Award which went to Lord Porkpie himself. The sniveling, reactionary, greedy, fat bag of dust and stinking wind that is Sir Peter […]

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